I am an ALGEBRA TEACHER!!!

I say this with more pride and surprise than you can imagine. My 3rd grade teacher kindly consoled me with these words, "Girls just aren't as good in math, my dear." I grabbed onto that little nugget of sympathy and worked it over good through the years, comforting myself with it often through my struggles and failures in this area. After all, I wasn't meant to be any good at this!

When I began homeschooling, I realized that this negative stance I'd taken against mathematics wasn't going to help my sons at all - so I cut "I hate math" out of my vocabulary and focused on being an encourager. To my surprise, I began to see this subject in a new light - it was actually a little fun and kind of like puzzles. Still, I grew anxious as we passed on through the lower levels of math and approached the stages that actually got their own names - firstly ALGEBRA. I entered it keeping my fear and trepidation secret, as well as the sigh of relief that blew through me when my sons all proved adept at this dreaded subject without much (or after a while, any) help from me. With my third son, homeschooling had changed as well as our finances so that I could afford to put him in a class with a "real" teacher with experience from years of public school teaching. More than anything, I wanted accountability for that particular son so we went with a very fine homeschool Mom to lead him forward in this subject.

Bear in mind, however, that underneath it all I really felt that if push came to shove - I could teach this to my children. My thoughts on education, on my own capabilities, on what we can do with the Lord's help has changed so much since I was a struggling, disappointed eight year old dealing with failure.

Time goes by and in 2004 we bring our daughters into our family. They'd had no formal education prior to our adoption, so hands-on-total-involvement is the name of the game. Five years later, and my oldest daughter is now entering the first math with a title. Here we go again.... And unlike my sons, I sense my girls will need me to continue to walk beside them in these upper years. So I am called out to own up - do I really think I can teach this stuff or were those just inner illusions of grandeur I was schlepping around?

Well, you never know until you try! It has been slow going, but it has been going. I am learning each day alongside my girl, but I amazed by this!

I picture this same daughter on the plane as we came home from Bogota. She was a rather bossy, emotional, exuberant child full of bravado. She and I had "bonded" while in Colombia as she threw up all over my shoes while I held her after a twisty ride to the top of Monserrat. I wasn't quite sure what to expect from her as we lifted off the ground and our plane took flight. She looked across the aisle, nodding knowingly at me and smiled as though to say, "This is just what I knew it would be like."

It feels something like that.

Seriously?

Remember that big finger of conviction that I've mentioned before that shows up jabbing at my chest? Well, it poked me good this morning. I was reading the latest post from Penniless Parenting and saw my bad self reflected there in her plain and honest confession of being on the computer too much. My husband was teasing me about it recently, and boy did I have an overreaction to it. I read "Penny's" words and while I know I have to use my computer for various things, I recognized enough of myself in what she was talking about to be brought up short.

So, I got off the computer (right after I posted a response >grin<), and in the last two hours I have been busy getting things done that need to get done. I have gotten showered and dressed, given the girls a devotional to work on and instructed them in it, taken the sheets off my bed, gotten laundry moving along, halfway cleaned my bathroom, went over scheduling with the girls, and corrected 4 lessons of math (forever behind in correcting it seems). As I cleaned my mirror I chided my reflection, "Seriously? You can't do a better job of managing your time to get more done in a day?" Yes, I am a busy woman, but I know I can do a better job with the stewardship of my time.

So, what's the plan? Well, my kids have daily assigned chores, but there are still plenty of things that I know need to get done around here that are not big projects but would be good for me to fit into my day in 10-30 minute increments. So here's my -

"Seriously? You mean you have to get on the computer now? You don't have time to do this?" list:

Some laundry

Some dusting

Wash down some dirty walls

Sweep the deck

Some bathroom cleaning

Clean the sliding door in the kitchen

Organize a shelf somewhere in the house

Clean out a bin or shelf in the fridge

Sweep the kitchen floor

After 20+ years of marriage you'd think I'd have this down, wouldn't you? But I don't know if I'll ever have arrived. I realize that my list consists of artless housework, but as I once reflected when my children were young, 'what I do is like knitting a sweater at one end, and life keeps unraveling it at the other.' The Chatelaine's Key has a beautifully written piece on the virtue of rhythmically repetitive labor. Here's a small excerpt:

"My grandmother told me that when I was a grown woman, I would live my life in a sea of labor that was done each morning, and undone before I went to bed. I would wash the dishes and cook meals, only to see them eaten and the dishes dirtied again. I would wash clothes, dry them, and see them back in the hamper. She observed to me that it was necessary that I learn to do something that “stayed done at the end of the day.” She was telling me how important this was to her, and she wanted very much to pass on the knowledge."

Funny how with many things, if you describe them well or tweak your view of them, often rise in esteem and value. And upon further reflection, if I leave my blogging (the thing that stays done) and my penchant for browsing to a more appropriate time, my days' work will settle more easily into their rightful places, as will all else.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Ephesians 5: 15-17

A Brief History of My Writing Career

I feel worn out today.

Perhaps not the best day to post... and I might just delete this later. I just want to write anyway. I don't know what I want to talk about. I just want to write.

I love writing. That's why I began this blog. I'm still feeling my way with it. Some things seem too personal to share in such a public arena. Some things that parade across my thoughts might hurt or damage relationships so they're understandably off limits. Some wonderful topics I might discuss sometime simply do not call to be written today.

When I was in school, writing was what came naturally to me. I loved to have my papers read anonymously in class, smiling with delight inside at the quiet praise. My teachers encouraged me to go into the journalism field. While flattered, of course, I mentally recoiled at the thought of abandoning my children. I was a mother already in my heart. ;D Someday I would write, when my children were all grown.

In my younger years I journaled religiously. I occasionally cut and pasted pictures from magazines to illustrate my entries. I loved the freedom that lay in putting forth somewhere my thoughts, rants, and dreams. Years later I picked them up and went through them nostalgically. I am sentimental about the here and now, but I'm not one for keeping momentos really. No family photos all over the house, or even many in boxes. Off the books went to the garbage bin. It wasn't really great writing anyway.

Once I had my kids, all of that got put away; my life was at the same time too busy and too boring. I'd always known that once my real life of Wife and Mommy commenced, I would no longer have room for such a regular literary indulgence. This was the time for fully living, and who knew but that I might not have something worthwhile to write about someday?

You'd have to be a Mama to understand how that previous paragraph fits together so perfectly.

My husband got me this laptop last fall. It was the perfect gift at just the right time for me. Although we write today with these handy electronic traveling keyboards, my heart still feel the words are penned with ink like the woman in my caption. My children are not completely grown, but if I start writing now I might actually be a real writer someday when I grow up.